Why Resistance Turns Pain Into More Pain
Life is a journey fraught with pain, yet many of us are ill-prepared to confront it head-on. Our natural inclination is to evade or deny it, unwittingly exacerbating our suffering.
A typical reaction is resistance. We feign normalcy, pretending all is okay while drowning in despair. We suppress our true emotions and needs, reject signs and signals from our bodies, and often deem our natural responses inappropriate (“I shouldn’t feel this way,” “I shouldn’t find this so challenging”).
This resistance amplifies the pain–it makes the pain feel bigger, stronger, and less in our control. All the while, internal narratives about ourselves and the world also grow, trapping in emotions like frustration, shame, and unhappiness.
Resistance takes various forms:
We resist ourselves by rejecting our true selves, making comparisons to others, and holding ourselves to a standard of perfection.
We resist our emotions, convinced that feeling pain or struggle is unacceptable – or perhaps, that feelings in general means weakness.
We resist others, expecting them to change to fit our schedules or preferences, believing if only they change that things would be better.
We resist reality itself: we want things to be different than they are. We want that promotion or job offer, to be in a loving relationship, to be able to afford that house, to live closer to work, to not be sick or to not have a loved one that’s sick. While all of these desires are normal and acceptable, resisting reality does not change it.
The antidote to resistance is acceptance. Embracing reality – especially when it's one you don’t want to be true – can give us peace and liberation. From this place, we can address what we can change and glean lessons for personal growth.
Research supports acceptance as a path to decreased psychological distress and greater happiness. A 2021 study aimed to test the benefits of acceptance. The study included 154 participants who completed the Five Facets Mindfulness Questionnaire and assessments to determine psychological distress (including depression, anxiety, stress, and sleep disturbances) and psychological well-being (life satisfaction and happiness). It indicated – with both statistical significance and clinical relevance – that acceptance strongly predicted reductions in psychological distress and increases in wellbeing.
Acceptance doesn't mean approval; it means ceasing to fight against reality. By allowing pain to unfold naturally, we gain clarity and can move forward with newfound peace.
To transition from resistance to acceptance:
Acknowledge what you're resisting: What truth are you fighting right now? Identify it, bring it to your awareness, and reflect on how your resistance is affecting your life – is it creating more pain and suffering?
Allow yourself to feel your emotions without suppression or judgment: Welcome the feeling – however uncomfortable – and let it pass. Letting yourself experience the feeling not only tells you you can get through it, but also helps you understand the feeling and deal with it better the next time it arises.
Envision how a fully accepting version of yourself would respond: Imagine a version of yourself that has completely accepted reality and ask yourself how this person would behave in this moment. Notice the empowerment and energy that may emerge in the process.
Recognize that pain is an inevitable part of life: Accept the deep truth that life is sometimes going to be painful, and that there is nothing wrong with us in feeling painful emotions. Acceptance leads to inner peace and self-compassion as we acknowledge we’re doing our best and we can continue to do our best.
